Halloween Party
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he
staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,
you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would
find offensive."He says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have anal sex with a nun."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he
staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,
you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would
find offensive."He says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have anal sex with a nun."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
2 Deaf People Get Married
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the
bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of
fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on
some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one
time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME,
reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times"
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the
bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of
fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on
some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one
time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME,
reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times"
Good,Bad,Worst
BAD: You can't find your vibrator.
WORSE: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
BAD: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
WORSE: You're in it.
BAD: Your children are sexually active.
WORSE: With each other.
BAD: Your husband's a cross dresser.
WORSE: He looks better than you.
BAD: Your son's involved in Satanism.
WORSE: As a sacrifice.
BAD: Your wife wants a divorce.
WORSE: She's a lawyer.
BAD: Your wife's leaving you.
WORSE: For another woman.
BAD: Your wife's leaving you.
WORSE: To enter a convent.
BAD: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
WORSE: She implicates you.
GOOD: Hot outdoor sex.
BAD: You're arrested.
WORSE: By your husband.
GOOD: The postman's early.
BAD: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.
GOOD: The secretary said "yes."
BAD: Your wife says "no."
GOOD: The teacher likes your son.
BAD: Sexually.
WORSE: He's gay.
GOOD: You came home for a quickie.
BAD: So did the postman.
GOOD: You came home for a quickie.
BAD: Your wife walks in.
GOOD: You get a three-day weekend.
BAD: You get the flu on Friday.
GOOD: You get tickets to the theatre.
BAD: It's performance art.
GOOD: You go to see a strip show.
BAD: Your daughter's the headliner.
GOOD: Your boyfriend's exercising.
BAD: So he'll fit in your clothes.
GOOD: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
BAD: For real.
GOOD: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
BAD: Your son, that is.
GOOD: Your daughter's on the Pill.
BAD: She's eleven.
GOOD: Your neighbour exercises in the nude.
BAD: He weighs 350 pounds.
GOOD: Your son's doing extra credit work.
BAD: Making a sexed video.
GOOD: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
BAD: It's counterfeit.
GOOD: Your wife bought a porn video.
BAD: Your daughter's the star.
GOOD: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
BAD: You live downtown.
GOOD: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
BAD: She's coming home.
GOOD: Your wife's kinky.
BAD: With the neighbors.
WORSE: All of them.
BAD: You can't find your vibrator.
WORSE: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
BAD: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
WORSE: You're in it.
BAD: Your children are sexually active.
WORSE: With each other.
BAD: Your husband's a cross dresser.
WORSE: He looks better than you.
BAD: Your son's involved in Satanism.
WORSE: As a sacrifice.
BAD: Your wife wants a divorce.
WORSE: She's a lawyer.
BAD: Your wife's leaving you.
WORSE: For another woman.
BAD: Your wife's leaving you.
WORSE: To enter a convent.
BAD: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
WORSE: She implicates you.
GOOD: Hot outdoor sex.
BAD: You're arrested.
WORSE: By your husband.
GOOD: The postman's early.
BAD: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.
GOOD: The secretary said "yes."
BAD: Your wife says "no."
GOOD: The teacher likes your son.
BAD: Sexually.
WORSE: He's gay.
GOOD: You came home for a quickie.
BAD: So did the postman.
GOOD: You came home for a quickie.
BAD: Your wife walks in.
GOOD: You get a three-day weekend.
BAD: You get the flu on Friday.
GOOD: You get tickets to the theatre.
BAD: It's performance art.
GOOD: You go to see a strip show.
BAD: Your daughter's the headliner.
GOOD: Your boyfriend's exercising.
BAD: So he'll fit in your clothes.
GOOD: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
BAD: For real.
GOOD: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
BAD: Your son, that is.
GOOD: Your daughter's on the Pill.
BAD: She's eleven.
GOOD: Your neighbour exercises in the nude.
BAD: He weighs 350 pounds.
GOOD: Your son's doing extra credit work.
BAD: Making a sexed video.
GOOD: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
BAD: It's counterfeit.
GOOD: Your wife bought a porn video.
BAD: Your daughter's the star.
GOOD: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
BAD: You live downtown.
GOOD: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
BAD: She's coming home.
GOOD: Your wife's kinky.
BAD: With the neighbors.
WORSE: All of them.
Masturbata (ya gotta sing it)
Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alone,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bone
Go and grab a Penthouse it's the one with Sharon Stone
Hey Masturbata!
I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nice,
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twice
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advice
Hey Masturbata!
I use some baby oil or a little Vaseline,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet clean
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where its been
Hey Masturbata!
I do it in the car when I'm driving down the street,
One hand on the wheel and the other on my meat
I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the seat
Hey Masturbata!
Since I was a kid I have been a masturbater,
Choke the chicken; hum the knob, squeezing the tomato
I've looked at Ms. November now I'm gonna decorate her
Hey, Masturbata!
Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacon,
Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I'm makin'.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achin'.
Hey, Masturbata!
Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alone,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bone
Go and grab a Penthouse it's the one with Sharon Stone
Hey Masturbata!
I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nice,
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twice
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advice
Hey Masturbata!
I use some baby oil or a little Vaseline,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet clean
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where its been
Hey Masturbata!
I do it in the car when I'm driving down the street,
One hand on the wheel and the other on my meat
I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the seat
Hey Masturbata!
Since I was a kid I have been a masturbater,
Choke the chicken; hum the knob, squeezing the tomato
I've looked at Ms. November now I'm gonna decorate her
Hey, Masturbata!
Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacon,
Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I'm makin'.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achin'.
Hey, Masturbata!
Running In Nude
This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.
One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the
boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband is home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like crazy out there and I'm
naked!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and
jumped out the window!
When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running marathon," so he started to run along beside the others -
only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes over his arm.
One of the runners asked, "Do you always run in the nude?"
He answered, while gasping for breath, "Oh yes. It feels so free having the air blow over my skin while I'm running."
Another runner then asked the nude lover, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
The naked lover answered breathlessly, "Oh yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car and
just go straight home without a shower!"
The marathon runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
The nude man answered, "Only if it's raining..."
This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.
One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the
boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband is home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like crazy out there and I'm
naked!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and
jumped out the window!
When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running marathon," so he started to run along beside the others -
only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes over his arm.
One of the runners asked, "Do you always run in the nude?"
He answered, while gasping for breath, "Oh yes. It feels so free having the air blow over my skin while I'm running."
Another runner then asked the nude lover, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
The naked lover answered breathlessly, "Oh yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car and
just go straight home without a shower!"
The marathon runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
The nude man answered, "Only if it's raining..."
Adult
Humor 2
Humor 2
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